I wonder sometimes why I come back to
Liberia at all. If what people say about me being crazy, is really
true. If I'm even making a difference at all. This trip has been one
of the most difficult trips so far. I have endured sickness, pain,
defeat and dissapointment. The children almost never listen to me,
two of the girls got into a physical altercation and now I have
malaria...again. I feel like I'm almost going in circles here. (aside
from the malaria medicine that's making my head spin!) I sit here
sometimes and think that I need Africa more than Africa needs me.
Then I talk to a few individual kids and I realize that their hearts
are changing and that we need each other. I have been brought here
for a purpose and sometimes it might feel like I'm wasting my time of
just wearing myself thin, but it will be worth it.
2 Cortinthians 16-17
“So we do not lose heart. Though our
outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by
day. For the light momentary affliction is preparing for us an
eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.”
The weight of the world feels like it's
on my shoulders. Taking care of 70 children being only 20, still
growing and learning myself. But Paul compares it to the weight of
Glory when we get to Heaven. This is only temporary. This is only for
a moment that we will need to endure this pain and suffering. In 2012
I wrote a blog about suffering. I have had malaria 3 times now, lost
3 family members in 2 months and have had random medical issues. I
still don't believe that I am suffering. These kids are suffering.
I ask myself why I come back here and
it's because when I see their faces I can feel their pain myself. I
can feel the malaria, I can feel the hunger. Because I have
experienced it for myself. When I see them hurting, I hurt. When I
see them crying, I cry. When I go and find sponsors for them and
they are smiling, I smile. When I come back from Red Light with their
food for the month and they come to the car screaming, full of joy. I
am full of joy too.
Don't get me wrong, I love these kids
with all of my heart. I don't believe I would come back if I didn't.
But sometimes I forget that they are still children. Children without
parents. They haven't had the attention from individual people so
that they will listen, do what they're told and grow in their faith.
The kids ask me 24/7, while I'm here for anything and everything and
I have told them that they can. I have made a prayer book. Before
coming to me, they must go to God and pray. I have made myself
available whenever they need me. I believe that's really what these
kids need. Not food, not clothes, not medicine...but love. Someone to
show them that they matter and that they're important in this world.
God has allowed me to keep coming back
time and time again, and I will continue to come back. The little
“suffering” I do in the few weeks I stay in Liberia, will not
compare to the aftermath God has already planned for this compound
and for each individual child. I pray that when this life is over I
will see each and everyone of my children in Heaven with their crowns
full of jewel because of the good works that they did here on this
earth.
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